Where did yesterday go?
Actually never mind yesterday, where did the last year go? or the last 10 years?
It seems that 10 years ago life was much simpler. My son was a year old, my husband and I had just bought our first house and I was a stay at home new mom juggling the joys and pains of motherhood and learning life with the love of my life.
Somewhere between then and now as our family grew, so did our priorities and responsibilities, so much so, communication became lost in translation. This ultimately causing blurred “vision” or development of completely opposing definitions of the order of priority placement. Denial’s slippery finger prided itself in the cracks of the foundation that was my family and it wiggled and wiggled until what we thought was solid ground, was fractured.
Fast forward a couple of years and I am now a single mom but by no means am I a single parent. Do I regret being married to my now ex? Most definitely not. There are a lot of regrets that I have and being married to him is not one of them and never will be. He was my best friend, my lover and the the apple of my eye. His family became my family and mine, his. He treated me like precious cargo and encouraged me in everything I ever wanted to do, which was a lot. I pretty much could do whatever I wanted, when I wanted. So this is where you, the reader says “I don’t get it? What went wrong?”
Nothing and everything. I’m not going to go too deep but I will recognize one thing that has been on my mind lately.
We became so caught up in busyness of all that life blesses us with, we never stopped for check ins and check ups on each other. Soon each of our work responsibilities, parenting commitments and extra curricular activities became priority over each other. The word no was non existent in our vocabulary. There was so much to do and so little time to do it.
Looking back I can remember our “discussions” which usually consisted of me having a melt down due to over extending myself in my commitments and both of us using the kids as excuses as a buffer zone from the reality of the situation. I would have a meltdown and he would stand there and JUST. STARE. AT. ME.
Now any female reading this is going to understand me when I mention how exhausting it is mentally to be a female. Our brains do NOT shut off. There is no kill switch. No battery to pull. No plug-in. No wire’s to cut. Trust me I have tried to drown out, cover up, and simply ignore “life” with many avenues of denial and distraction. Shoes, volleyball, soccer, taekwondo, quilting, shoes, school, friends, chocolate, reading, writing, music, trips, vacations, shoes, work ……..etc. Eventually it all comes to a crashing stop and there’s no denying it anymore.
So there I am breaking down and verbally throw up every thought and emotion I’ve ever felt, trying to deal with it all and he would just STARE. AT. ME.
Its at this point my patience becomes null and void, to which I voice my extreme failed attempt at maintaining civil composer and threaten “Say something, ANYTHING!!!
I’ve just unloaded all that has been weighing on my brain and heaped it in a pile before you and I need you to say SOMETHING and RIGHT now would be the best opportune time to avoid any seek and destroy mission deemed necessary for acknowledgement.” Fire burns within my veins as I feel completely disrespected and ignored and yet he continues to stare, only this time he says,
“……………….What do you want me to say?”
Operation seek and destroy has just commenced!!!
Any females reading this will be smiling and shaking our head with complete understanding. We all know this. We all feel this. We all live this.
We as females relate on a whole different realm than men. Men have their caves. I want a cave. A quiet one, with housekeeping and a chef, preferably with sun, heat, chocolate and ocean side background noise. I want a “do not enter” sign hanging on the door. No other issues, people, subjects, problems allowed.
But nope. It’s never going to happen. My mind is like that mess of wiring with electrical shortages and haphazard connections of ALL that is in my world:
Kids. Supper. Books. Bills. Chocolate. Grandma. Hockey. Soccer. Homework. Toilets. Chocolate. Discipline. AND that’s just day to day responsibilities. Break that down in to the relational aspect and it’s a whole new beautiful mess of choas. It’s like an endless loop of playback noise and it makes us crazy. Literally.
Security. Insecurity. Respect. Future. Past. Confidence. Sex. Chocolate. Trust. Forgiveness. Love. Anger. Chocolate…….Squirrel!!!!
Its no wonder men stare at us. Their mind is in their cave with their “do not enter” sign hanging and we rip that sign down, barge right and and mix up their “space” and create havoc. We’re like a pet dog, when they’re mad and you find your shoe chewed because you forgot to fill their water bowl……. only worse. I’m your wife. [enter scary music here]
So how do I change this? What can I do to stop this pattern of craziness or in the very least address it before Mt St Helen’s erupts?
Well to start, I need to be aware of two simple things that can remind us just how different we really are when we look at our children;
My son. As a little boy his day consisted of poopy pants, eating, grunting requests – never actually using comprehensible words, and making sound effects for the Tonka truck he endlessly drove over everything.
My daughter. 6 weeks after she was born I thought it would be cute to do a photo shoot with her in a her first bikini – you know a total mom moment. She got so pissed off, she clenched her fists and growled while her face went completely beat red in anger. I can remember stepping back and going “Whoa, seriously?“…. and it’s been an uphill climb since then. She will love you one second and a nano second later will claw at your eyeballs.
Whoever said “Boys are like snails, tails and puppy dog tails, and Girls are like Sugar and spice and all things nice” I call BS on – they clearly never had a daughter. I often joke that my daughter is 9 going on 19 and my son is 11 going on 2. The older he gets the grosser he gets and thinks nothing of it.
My ex isn’t 12 anymore and I’m beginning to see a pattern.
Girls grow up to be more vocal, with more attitude, more spunk and as more of life gets lived, the thoughts and feelings escalate.
Boys just grow. They eat more. They poop more. They cuddle more. They are problem solvers. Thinkers. Contemplators. One thing at a time and slow and steady wins the race. Nothing complicated. They are the yin to our yang and it is friggin’ maddening at times.
So this is my conclusion.
If any man should read this, your thinking “RUN FOREST RUN – this chick be Cray cray Crazy!!!” Well while this might be true, I need to remind you that the woman who your married to, or call mom, or is your daughter operates and thinks the exact same way. She will read this and laugh at the undeniable truth that we as females recognize and struggle with every day.
So here’s the solution.
Think of us as man’s best friend, only better. When we sit and stare at you looking for attention or ramble on in our nothing talks, scratch us behind the ear and praise us “good girl, your so pretty” and give a treat of chocolate every now and then. We will eat it up and walk away on cloud nine and leave you alone. We will make you supper and play with your back and unlike your real dog, we’re a lot more fun to play with – if you know what I mean.
To myself and to any woman reading this;
Maybe it’s best to listen and be still and to remember to decompress at night. Talk about the little things. Make it a point to thank him for listening so when the little things become big things, they wont explode because he’s not being blitzed with a haymaker and WW3 will be avoided.
And to my future someone, I’m sorry in advance. I’m working on it 🙂